


When did I become so numb?

by dazed_confused87



Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24786181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dazed_confused87/pseuds/dazed_confused87
Summary: Trouble always seems to find Emma
Comments: 21
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

Emma sat staring out the window of the lecture hall tuning out the monotone voices from the class discussion. Emma found it incredibly difficult to concentrate on the class at hand, this course could not be further from her first choice; however she was suffering through it as an elective to keep the peace with her Dad. The man who willingly set aside his belief that if they don't teach math or history it's not a real school, and embraced her dream of pursuing the performing arts. The man who decided that Emma's dreams were worth selling the family home and with it the last tangible memories of her mother and their family as it was before. 

It's been almost a year, yet Emma still can't bring herself to mention the death of her Mum. The single biggest event in her life to date and yet if she doesn't dwell on it too closely she can pretend that her Mum is on a business trip or vacation. 

Ever since she was young Emma has played a game when her Dad was deployed, where she would create an entire story about what he and rest of the team were up to and put them in her imaginary world where they were off seeking the next great adventure to share with the rest of the family. It was a game that she still played as an adult when her Dad was spun up or on a longer deployment. 

Emma was currently lost in thoughts of her Mum and Dad searching the globe for the perfect family vacation spot; the rest of the team tagging along to make sure that there were plenty of options to keep everyone entertained, as it wasn't a proper family vacation without every Bravo member in attendance. 

Emma's thoughts were brought back to the present when Katie elbowed her sharply in the ribs, drawing her attention to the student behind her who had started an impassioned speech about American militarisation and the regressive cartoon masculinity of the services. Emma thought that the voice sounded familiar but she was struggling to place it until she turned around and instantly recognised the speaker as Noah, a boy she briefly dated in high school, before her Dad scared him off. Emma was strangely hurt by Noah's comments, although their relationship had been brief, she had invited him into her home and introduced him to her family; yet here he sat systematically degrading the service and sacrifice of her family. It amazed Emma that such negative discourse was present at this institution. 

Shawboro College is situated in close proximity to the naval base, half the student population has some connection to the Navy or aspirations of landing themselves a connection. If Emma were being honest with herself the college's proximity to the naval base was a much larger contributing factor to her decision to attend a local college than she was willing to admit. After the death of her Mum which was closely followed by that of her Uncle Adam, Emma gained a greater understanding of her Dad and his motivation for remaining in the teams. Despite resenting all that had been taken away from their family as a result of her Dad's job, such as the ability to lay her Mum to rest without interruption, Emma decided that she would support her Dad's continued service as she appreciated the importance of it in a way she never did before.

Emma found that she was making compromises that until recently would have been unimaginable for her. Attending Shawboro College was one of those compromises, despite loving the college when taking the initial campus tour with her Dad, it was no Tisch. Emma could not pin point the exact moment the realisation that going interstate for college was not a realistic option for her, rather she remembers sitting down with her Dad and updating his personnel file to nominate her as his PNOK and realising that she needed to remain local to ensure that she would be close at hand should the worst happen. 

Mikey was still young and required stability, something that her Dad could not provide him alone. Her parents had spent their entire lives teaching her and Mikey that family was everything and there is no sacrifice too great to ensure the happiness of the family. If she were being truthful with herself there was no choice to be made. Emma had to assume the responsibility for the family when her Dad was away.

Katie exhaled loudly, clearly expressing her frustration with Noah and their professor for allowing him the floor for so long. Thankfully the class drew to a close with the professor cutting Noah off from his diatribe, as the rest of the class rushed to pack away their things and leave. Emma and Katie were in a particular hurry, this was their last class of the week and they had plans to meet Hannah at a frat party at and enjoy being normal college freshmen.

Mikey had arranged a sleep over with a friend on his hockey team and Emma had her first free weekend in nearly 3 months. Despite having a room in the dorms Emma had been living at her Dad's house whilst he was on deployment and spent her free time ensuring that Mikey was getting to school, hockey practice and any where else he needed to be. 

On the way out the lecture hall Emma threw her bag over her shoulder and took a little pleasure from the thump of contact with Noah's shoulder. Katie reached for Emma's arm and began pulling her towards the door as she was apparently not moving fast enough for her friend.

Once they had returned to their dorm Katie pushed Emma towards the shower and announced that she was going to raid her closet for the perfect outfits for them. 

It was no secret that Emma has been a little wild since losing her Mum, this was compounded when her Dad was spun up and Mikey was not in her care. Emma’s primary focus was on having a good time and surrounding herself with people who made her forget everything and let her just be in the moment.

Once out of the shower Emma and Katie finished getting getting ready and slipped into barely there outfits. Emma felt a tingle of satisfaction at the thought of going out in an outfit she knew her Dad would never let her leave the house in. Whilst she might not be able to admit it out loud, the rebellious child in her wanted to punish him for not being there and leaving her with all the responsibilities. Nothing got under Jason Hayes’ skin like realising his little girl was all grown up.


	2. Chapter 2

Jason paced the length of the temporary barracks whilst waiting for his call to Emma to connect, although he feared that she would once again avoid his call. It seemed as though their current game of phone tag had been going for weeks and he desperately needed to hear her voice to reassure himself that things were alright at home. The not knowing was slowly driving him to distraction, something he was sure Emma was aware of.

Despite being thousands of miles away from home and having Emma dodge his calls, Jason had his ways of keeping up to date with his children’s lives; although recent reports about Emma were not reassuring him. Victoria had always been close to Emma, however since the death of Alana, Emma had been confiding in her more. Not willing to betray Emma’s confidence but wanting to keep Jason in loop, Victoria ended up having to vaguely allude to potential issues he should be aware of. 

Although grateful that Emma had someone to talk to, there was a part of Jason that resented not being her go to person. It was not something that sat comfortably with him; especially as his team came to him with any issues they have at home or work, no matter how insignificant they may be. 

Since Alana's death Jason has spent many sleepless nights wondering whether he made the right decision by withdrawing his resignation and staying with the team. It would have been shattering for him to leave the teams behind, it was more than a job to him and Bravo team were so much more than colleagues. Yet late at night, when left alone with his thoughts he often reflects on the sacrifices made by those he loves, in order for him to have fulfilled his dream. 

Jason was a team guy, dedicating his entire life to being the best operator, however it is only now that he is able to begin identifying the cost of living his dream. Alana lost her husband to his job, although he never stopped loving her and wanting to make it work, he never really appreciated the sacrifices she made to enable him to live his life his way. 

Alana spent most of their marriage being a single parent and taking on the role of the bad guy when things got tough, whilst he would sweep in and be the fun parent who let them get away with everything. Alana was the one who they sought out when hurt, sick or in need of advice. Alana was the keeper of their children's secrets and without realising it at the time, he was left on the outside looking in. 

Jason never planned on being the parent left behind and he had absolutely no idea how to be enough for Emma and Mikey. Hearing vague whispers about Emma's hard partying worries Jason. Emma was not that girl in high school, she was social and had a large group of friends however she was also a fastidious student whose primary focus was achieving her dream of getting into Tisch. 

Emma had never said it aloud however Jason can't help but feel responsible for her giving up that dream. His initial reluctance about her decision to get a performing arts degree coupled with the cost caused a fracture in their relationship, nevertheless he fears that her decision to remain local was driven by her sense of responsibility to the family and her fear that he would be lost without the teams. 

Despite being immensely proud of raising a strong daughter who shares his values, Jason can't help but notice that the last remaining embers of light seem to have been extinguished in Emma. Thinking back now he can remember this being the case since they sat down and talked through the practicalities of balancing his job, Emma starting college and Mikey needing to be cared for.

Jason felt himself grinding his teeth together as Emma's voicemail kicked in yet again, he found himself leaving another terse message. 'Emma, it's Dad call me back when you get this message. This has been going on long enough and we need to check in with each other.' Jason's frustration with the situation nearly got the better of him as he went to throw his phone across the room, only stopping at the last second when realising that if he broke the phone he would not be able to answer Emma's return call. Jason also realised that at just after 4 in the morning he would not be popular with Ray if he were to wake him unexpectedly over not getting to talk to his kid. 

Jason was aware that it was Friday night back home and that Mikey was having a sleep over with friends, he was naturally worried that Emma and her friends would be out drinking and meeting boys. Boys he had not met and had the chance to intimidate into being respectful of Emma and her boundaries. 

Jason trusted Emma implicitly, it was the rest of the world he was unsure about, however the longer he was away from home the more doubt crept in about Emma and the choices she was making. The feeling of being completely helpless is not a familiar one to Jason, he is an action kind of guy, he sees a problem, works the problem and achieves the goal. In this situation Jason is not sure that he can see the problem clearly and he is no where near being able to work the problem. 

Having once again been on the receiving end of Emma's voicemail and trying unsuccessfully to shake off the disappointment and worry that bought with it, Jason threw himself onto his bunk and tried to get a few hours rest before needing to get a start on the day. 

Whilst his home life might be crumbling around him, Jason needed to make sure that work remains consistent and predictable. There was a certain poetry to the way they kicked down doors and got the job done that calmed him. 

Once Jason was settled into his bed Ray braved offering a few words of reassurance, 'you got this Jay, Emma's got a good head on her. Alana made sure of that, you just have to trust.' Jason made a noncommittal grunt of acknowledgement before the room feel into silence once again.

The next morning Jason and the team were sat round killing time waiting for the next mission to be green lit by the higher ups, the waiting making everyone a little trigger happy. 

Sonny and Clay were sat in front of the fire pit bantering back and forth which turned into play fighting whilst Cerberus was being put through his paces by Brock with the help of Trent. Ray and Jason sat together making small talk being careful to avoid anything of substance.

Jason's phone started ringing alerting him to an incoming call, when checking the caller ID his heart both leapt and sank at the same time. Emma was calling, she never called during the day, his time. Although he was unable to confirm his exact location she was a smart girl and after several months, she was able to work out that she was 9.5 hours behind her Dad. Emma had used this knowledge to carefully time her attempted calls knowing her Dad was likely to be busy and therefore unable to answer his calls.

It took longer than Jason would have liked to muster the courage to answer the call, when she was avoiding his calls he felt indignation, however when it was his turn to answer her call that was a different story. 

Taking a deep steadying breath, preparing for the confrontation ahead he accepted the call. Jason was immediately on alert, Emma had video called him at 1:30am her time; she clearly had a point to make. Emma's face filled his screen as her voice called out 'Hi Dad, this is me checking in.' and his worst fears were confirmed she was looking for an argument. 

Emma was clearly out somewhere, the loud thumping of terrible music could be heard in the background, making it difficult to distinguish what she was saying. Although not slurring Jason could tell from the tone of her voice and the slightly glassy look in her eyes that Emma had been drinking; the knowledge setting his nerves on edge. Jason was aware that he had to handle this situation delicately to avoid her hanging up on him, however he knew that both he and Emma had a temper and it didn't take much for them to get under each other's skin.

Having bit his lip and counted to 10 before speaking Jason entered into the conversation. 'Hi Em, where are you? It sounds like you are out having a good time.' Although Jason did not intend for it to come out sounding judgemental his tone made it clear that he was less than impressed. 

Emma felt a surge of pride at catching her Dad unaware and wanted to keep him off balance, emboldened by the alcohol she took her phone and panned round the room. There was no mistaking that Emma was currently at a frat party, she knew how he felt about them and that her presence at one would have him really riled up. 

As she turned the camera back to herself Jason caught sight of her outfit and could not contain his growl. Jason's annoyed response caught the attention of the rest of the team who made it their business to make themselves look busy whilst ensuring they remained close enough to follow the conversation.

'Emma, I think it’s best if you go home and sleep off the alcohol. I'll talk to you later once you are sober.' Jason snapped at her. 

'What's the matter Dad, are you angry that you can't gather up the boys and crack some skulls?' Emma asks him with such spite Jason can't reconcile that it is coming from his little girl. The last time he felt this level of hatred from her was at Alana's funeral when they were spun up. Perhaps naively he had thought they were past the hostility in their relationship.

'Emma I won't talk to you when you’re like this. I don't want us to say things we will regret. Please go home and sleep it off. We can talk about it tomorrow.'

'I have plans with Luke later, I don't want to go home and there is nothing to talk about. I am a college student at a college party, letting my hair down after weeks of looking after your child. I deserve a night off. You told me to call when I got your message so this is me checking in.' 

Whilst Emma was talking a guy came up behind her and started caressing her neck in full view of Jason. The guy who Jason assumed was Luke, didn't even have the decency to introduce himself before pawing at Emma in front of him. Prior to this moment Jason had never resented his job from taking him away from his family at a moments notice, however being sat half a world away as some sleazy frat boy pawed at his baby girl he felt the first stirrings of resentment. 

Jason was trying to control his breathing and sort through the red mist he was seeing to form an appropriate response to Emma that was not going to escalate the situation.

Before Jason had managed to achieve enough clarity to speak a husky male voice could be heard asking Emma questions, 'hey babe, who are you on the phone to? I thought we were taking this upstairs?' The guy came further into the frame as he pulled Emma into a kiss and allowed his hands to wonder over her exposed thigh, causing Emma to giggle seductively. In that instant Jason lost all attempts at remaining calm and went straight to outraged.

'She is talking to her Dad who strongly suggests that you remove your hands from my daughter' before Jason got any further the call was disconnected. This time there was no stopping him as Jason hurled his phone across the base. The crunch of the screen as it crushed on impact was surprisingly unsatisfying to Jason, he needed a HVT mission green lit immediately so he could vent his frustrations in a more healthy and productive way. 

Jason knew that his call with a Emma would have long lasting repercussions for their relationship, he just wasn't sure if they were ready for them.


	3. Chapter 3

The atmosphere on base shifted as Jason's call with Emma deteriorated. Gone was the care free fooling around to kill time, replaced by an awkward levity. Bravo team's attempts at being inconspicuous became more strained, with no one willing to even vaguely reference the current tension between Jason and Emma. 

Clay was uniquely positioned to understand the complexity of the dynamic between Jason and Emma. Despite there being very few redeeming features in their relationship, Clay was still the son of a SEAL. Ash may have been an absentee father; however it had never been obvious to Clay whether that was by design, or a natural byproduct of the job and his parents' failing relationship. Although he would never admit it to anyone, himself included, not knowing the cause of Ash's absence tormented Clay.

Whatever the cause, Clay knew what it felt like to be collateral damage in the choices of a parent. The resentment built slowly and was often able to be compartmentalised. The guilt associated with feeling that way, when others considered the sacrifices of the parent to be virtuous, was a constant presence. How can you complain about your parent missing out on your parent teacher conferences, high school graduation, birthday parties and countless other milestones; when that parent was serving their country, protecting the innocent, prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice? 

Having achieved his goal of becoming a SEAL and gaining an appreciation of what that really meant, Clay could empathise with Jason. As a child Clay thought he understood what it meant to be a special warfare operator. Truthfully it was impossible to articulate the motivation for remaining on the teams. Once you reached the pinnacle where else was there to go? When you could see the human cost of your decision and the toll it takes on your family, how do you explain the undefinable pull that keeps you there? 

Clay has always felt an affinity with Emma, Mikey and the other kids in their chosen family. Clay would never dare compare Ash's parenting of him, or lack there of, to that of Ray or Jason; however their absences had the same effect as the absence he experienced. It doesn't matter how present you are as a parent when with your kids. The memories of missed opportunities are the ones that stick out most, especially when you’re seeing friends surrounded by their families having the experiences you longed for. 

Whilst all military children experience the absence of a parent, they are planned, time limited absences. There is an opportunity to emotionally prepare for the missed milestones and events. Elite team members are called away on a whim. The uncertainty is the cruelest. Going to the trouble of making sure that your school reserves a place in the audience just in case it is needed, then having to watch the seat remain vacant is a special kind of torment.

The vitriol in Emma's tone when she accused Jason of being angry about his inability to gather the team to crack some skulls, cuts right through Clay. It speaks to the heart of the issue between father and daughter. Emma is clearly referencing a previous conversation with her Dad. One that he can only assume was shared with light hearted humour, however Emma had managed to weaponise those same words to use against Jason. Emma had both highlighted his absence from her life and his inability to protect her, even if it was from herself. 

Clay was familiar with the need to punish a parent for their perceived failures. He is even familiar with the need to self destruct in order to feel as though you are properly punishing them. How dare they claim pride in your achievements and lay claim to them as their own, when they were never there? Whilst there was no hope of him salvaging any more from his relationship with Ash, the void forming between Jason and Emma did not feel insurmountable yet. Clay just needed to work out whether or not he should intervene, he had no desire to be collateral damage in someone else's fight.

After Alana's death Clay and Emma had been drawn closer to each other. They had bonded over shared experiences of feeling betrayed and left behind by those who were supposed to be a constant presence in their lives. Clay has been a confidant, able to sympathise with the injustices that had been forced upon Emma. Yet he was able to find a way of sharing his perspective and bring a sense of balance to her, without adding to the guilt Emma felt for having these feelings.

Despite achieving his dream of becoming a SEAL, Clay had not done so because of his desire to emulate his father but rather to spite him. At least that is what he told himself. Clay had convinced himself that there was no greater satisfaction than recalling the look of anguish on Ash's face, as he disillusioned him of the idea he was following in his footsteps. The moment he revealed his intention to erase his Dad's footsteps bought about a temporary rush of satisfaction, which only grew as he walked away to the sound of his father calling after him. Finally he was the one walking away. Clay never allowed himself examine the hollow feeling that took hold after the satisfaction. 

Self preservation caused Clay to go for the jugular in every conversation he had with Ash. Clay's unspoken fear was that if he allowed himself to let his guard down, even a little bit, Ash would see the little boy desperate for his Dad's love and validation. Clay has spent years carefully crafting his pain management strategies, never letting people see the hurt. The Navy further validated this for Clay, emotions complicate everything and leave you vulnerable.

When Alana died, Clay recognised the shift in Emma and the way she saw her Dad. Alana had been the buffer, allowing the children to idolise their Dad. Emma resenting his unpredictable schedule was different from resenting him as a person. Jason was allowed to be the fun parent who never got the kids off side when tough decisions needed to be made. 

In Clay's experience this dynamic was not unusual in military families. Clay thought it had developed as a preemptive form of pain management. The adults knew the risk to life every time the team were spun up. It was important that the kids had great memories of their parent. That they didn't argue with them just in case that was the last time they saw each other. You could never tell what a child might fixate on or blame themselves for. It was better to carefully manage their relationship and leave no room for doubt. It was an unspoken expectation that it was only a matter of time before death touched them. 

At night when he can't sleep, Clay allows himself to revisit memories from his childhood. Before the bitterness of their separation set in, Clay remembers his Mum going to great lengths to cultivate positive memories of his Dad. She orchestrated father son activities, keep Ash informed about his likes and dislikes, and smoothed out any difficulties between them. As an adult Clay can recognise that she actively encouraged his hero worship of Ash. When they separated his buffer was gone and he was left to flounder, trying to continue a relationship with Ash that never really existed. The discovery that Ash was just a man who had flaws was devastating. This was the beginning of Clay forming pain management strategies and erecting emotional barriers. 

Similarly Emma had floundered in her pain management since the death of Alana. Her Mum was the anchor that allowed Emma the freedom to put herself out there and let herself be vulnerable. To trust implicitly in her Dad's ability to protect them from anything. Jason's response to pain was to ignore his feelings, stay busy and focus on the now. Jason had been conditioned to control his surroundings and environment, if he didn't acknowledge something he could pretend it wasn't there. 

Clay thought that he and Emma had found a compromise, developed a way for her to vent her feelings whilst never allowing other people to see the hurt. An improved pain management strategy. The call between Emma and her Dad had Clay concerned. Emma hadn't lashed out at Jason so obviously since the funeral.

Clay silently excused himself from the group and returned to his quarters to make a call. He was unsurprised when he was diverted to voicemail. 'Emma, I thought we had an agreement.'


	4. Chapter 4

Katie hadn't known Emma for long. Their friendship began when they met during the campus tour and continued over the months leading into freshman orientation. Katie moved into town a few weeks before the semester started, in order to acclimatise herself to the local area and hang out with Emma. It was then that she was introduced to Hannah, the three of them becoming extremely close. With Hannah attending Hudson State, there was no shortage of opportunities for them to hang out together. 

Emma and Hannah being locals had unforeseen benefits, their social networks were extensive and they were invited to every end of summer party being thrown. The girls hadn't turned down a single invite. As the Summer drew to a close, Emma took it upon herself to extend an open invite to friends and acquaintances to hang out at her Dad's place for the after parties.

In high school Katie was not one for attending parties and she wouldn't have considered herself as part of the popular crowd. Although she had a solid group of friends, she didn't get her better than perfect GPA by socialising and focusing on boys. She was under the impression that Emma and Hannah were in similar social socials to herself in high school and was trying to figure out how they got to this point. 

Katie had a suspicion that Emma's newly awakened wild side was the result of her world irrevocably changing and her need to make sense of her new normal. It was as though Emma had entered free fall and there was no one there to catch her. Hannah had her own demons chasing her. 

Before when things were difficult at home, they always had each other to fall back on. The calm to each other's storm, now they were reliant on Katie. Katie was not convinced that she had the necessary skills and experience to rescue friends that had yet to recognise they were spiralling. 

With Mikey away at hockey camp, Emma found herself at a loose end. Since her Mum died Emma had been holding down the fort whilst her Dad was on deployment and was effectively parenting her younger brother full time. The weight of the responsibility seemed to both ground and suffocate Emma. When Emma had time to be a 'normal' teenager she took it to extremes, almost as though she was asking who was going to look after her. 

It seemed as though the closer Jason's return became, the more Emma sought out oblivion. Drinking, recreational drug use and a parade of sexual partners became the normal. When Emma lost interest in the thrill of sneaking away in a crowded party she started brining boys back to her Dad's house. Ensuring the neighbours saw the turn over of different boys leaving each morning. Emma was taunting her Dad despite him not being there not respond. His silence seemed to only escalate her behaviour. 

At first attending different parties every night was exciting, the rush of excitement generated by older boys hitting on the them was thrilling. Although she was unable to identity exactly when, the novelty of the situation started to wear off for Katie, and the worry began to creep in. Katie and Hannah, for the most part, we're going to these parties to have the full college experience. At some point that had changed for Emma and it felt as though she needed the validation of being desired by strangers.

The change in Emma was not something they discussed, neither was the escalation in her partying. It was only after the three of them got so drunk they couldn't remember what had happened the night before, how they got home or who was passed out in Emma's living room that Katie took it upon herself to be the designated friend when the others needed to blow off steam.

Katie's self appointed role of chaperone found her scouring the frat house for Emma and Hannah to no avail. Katie had not seen Emma since shortly after they arrived at the party. Hannah had disappeared not long after Emma. Having not located her friends in the kitchen or back yard, Katie found herself battling through the mass of swaying bodies crammed into the living space. The steady rhythmic beat of the music having taken hold of the crowd.

Whilst searching through the assembled bodies, Katie caught sight of Hannah in the arms of an unknown man. Hannah leaning back into his body, head tilted back eyes closed, lost in the feel of him kissing his way down her neck. The mans' hands started their exploration of her body, guided by Hannah. 

The scene before her verged on obscene. It was then Katie realised that she would once again have to intervene, to preserve Hannah’s dignity. Pushing other revellers out of the way, Katie managed to cover the distance to Hannah quickly. As she grew closer she heard Hannah moan whilst the man sucked harder on her neck, his actions sure to leave a mark. 

'Hey Hannah, time to find Emma and go.' Katie called out to her friend who was now only a few inches from her. Startled Hannah pushed back against the man whose arms she was in. 'What the fuck?!' He snapped at them both. Clearly furious Katie had interrupted them. Hannah ignored him as she regained her composure, straighten her clothes and began to move away from him. Hannah turned and gave him a wry smile, 'sorry, I'm needed else where.' 

Reluctantly the girls decided that they needed to take the search upstairs. No one relished the thought of retrieving a friend from the bedroom of an unknown boy. Katie was herding Hannah down the hall, hand gently gripping her wrist to ensure Hannah didn't drift back to the dance floor. The two of them knocked on every door they came across in the hall way calling for Emma. 

Laying in the dark on the hard mattress, Emma was pinned in place by a naked arm. Listening to the gentle wheezing breaths of the man next to her, Emma's focus was on stopping the room from spinning viciously with every turn of her head. The sound of muffled voices calling her name drew Emma's attention. As the voices got closer Emma realised they belonged to her friends and began to extricate herself from the bed. Emma cautiously shifted to reposition the weight of the body next to hers, being careful not to wake him. The last thing she needed was to have to try and make small talk with someone whose name escaped her and who she never intended to see again.

Having freed herself from the bed, Emma quickly scooped her clothes off the floor and began redressing as she made her way towards the door. Emma's movements were purposeful but lacked her usual grace, she assumed the alcohol was to thank for that.

As Emma opened the door to the bedroom she walked into the embrace of her friends. 'It's time to go, I’ve booked a ride with a car share.' Katie relayed the information firmly leaving no room for argument as she slipped her free arm around Emma's waist, to help support her weight and ensure that she could guide her out of the party. 

The journey back to Emma's was filled with the familiar awkward silence that accompanies most of their nights out. Katie split her attention between Emma and Hannah ensuring that they didn’t lose consciousness. None of the them ready, willing or able to discus the ever present elephant in the room.

The ride to her house was mercifully short. Emma was unsure how much longer she could keep down the contents of her stomach. Although her memory was hazy Emma was pretty sure she had consumed enough alcohol for the three of them. She was willing to bet that her veins would bleed warm, slightly stale beer for several days to come. 

Once back at the house she found her way into her own bed, with more than a little help from her friends. After laying in the dark for several minutes, it was clear sleep would not be coming any time soon. Emma pulled out her phone and started working her way through the missed call list. Her stomach revolting against it’s contents as some of the nights earlier events came back into focus for her.

Emma threw herself towards the bathroom in an attempt to get to the toilet bowel, before the inevitable happened. Fortunately she made it just in time. After several more bouts of sickness, Emma was confident that there was nothing left for her to throw up. Feeling too weak to make her way back to bed, Emma leant against the tiled wall of the bathroom. The contrast of the cool tile against her over heated body, offering a welcome reprieve. 

Reaching for her phone, which she had some how held on to during her rush to the bathroom, Emma returned to her earlier review of the missed call log. The multiple missed calls from her Dad confirmed her fear that she had actually call him earlier, although the specifics of the conversation are not clear to her. As soon as she sees the missed call from Clay, Emma knows nothing good came from her call with her Dad.

Emma tucked her knees up against her chest, rested her chin on her knees and braced herself to listen to the voicemail that had been left for her. 

Listening to Clay’s message had Emma furiously wiping at the silent tears that began streaking down her cheeks, bringing the last vestiges of her mascara with them. Whilst she was grateful that her Dad had thought better of leaving her a message, the resignation in Clay’s tone as he spoke was devastating. 

Taking a steadying breath, Emma returned Clay’s call before she had a chance to over think the situation. Every ring was torture, allowing her time to question whether she could go through with it. In her current state she had not worked out the time difference and was lost in thought about what message to leave. 

Emma was caught unaware when the call connected. ‘Hey.’ At the sound of Clay’s voice, Emma had to fight to control the sob that was building at the back of her throat. Hot angry tears built back up behind her eyes, her breath catching in her throat as she tried to get out words. She didn’t deserve the kindness in his voice at the moment. 

Clay, aware of Emma’s increasing level of distress, waited patiently on the other end of the call. Exaggerating the sound of his own breathing in an attempt to ground Emma. After several minutes Emma finally calmed enough to choke out a few words. ‘I’m sorry. I just needed to feel something.’ Silent tears and dry heaving once again overwhelmed Emma. 

‘We don’t need to talk about it now. So long as you are home and safe, we can just sit together for a while.’


	5. Chapter 5

Clay rarely, if ever, questioned his life choices; however over the course of the last year he found himself racked by self doubt and indecision when thinking about Emma. Questioning the wisdom of his involvement with the eldest Hayes child outside of the usual family gatherings and team events. 

Sat in the oppressive midday heat, in yet another god forsaken country, half a world away from home, listening to Emma's inconsolable crying, did nothing to reassure Clay that he had the situation under control.

The vulnerability in Emma's voice interspersed with half swallowed sobs, broke Clay in ways he didn't want to examine too closely. Like most of the significant male role models in his life, Clay was not the most expressive or articulate when it came to his emotions and those of others. His approach when supporting Emma took much the same direction as with everybody else, vaguely allude to the problem whilst shifting focus to an action. 

'Breathe, just breathe. I'm right here.' 

After a few more encouraging words from him and many more minutes passing, Emma's breathing evened. The choked sobs replaced by steady breathing, interspersed by small snuffles, indicating that she had finally succumbed to exhaustion and sleep had taken hold. 

Only once Clay was certain Emma was asleep, did he allow himself to indulge in sharing reassurances intended to provide him as much comfort as her. 'It's all right. Everything's going to be all right. We'll be home soon, please just hold on.' 

Ending the call with Emma, Clay took a moment to recompose himself. His hand unconsciously rubbing over his team insignia tattoo, a self soothing habit that had formed in recent months. 

Clay allowed his mind to drift back to the night he first realised that Emma was at risk of drowning, having been adrift for much longer than anyone realised. He was hanging out at the Bulkhead with old friends from other units, having a few drinks, a game of darts and generally shooting the breeze. Conversation quickly turned to the local pool of available women. Several of the guys at the bar shared stories of a new high school grad who was a wild cat in the bedroom and had zero interest in a relationship. According to several of the bar's patrons the girl was always up for a good time. She often had friends with her, but once you got her alone nothing was off the table. 

Discretion was not considered necessary when sharing stories of recent conquests, something which both worked in Clay's favour and against him in this particular instance. 'Man, this girl is crazy hot, up for anything. The ideal Frog hog. Rumour has it, she is connected to the teams. Just adds to the excitement if you ask me.' As the sailors took turns regaling their captivated audience with more and more outlandish details of their conquests, Clay felt the prickle of realisation dawning on him. Emma. They were talking about Emma. 

Clay realised that he was left with a decision to make which would have long lasting personal and professional ramifications. Did he approach Jason with this new found information? Should he ignore it and pretend like he was unaware, or most daunting of all did he try and talk to Emma about it? 

With the rest of Bravo still deployed in Manila, Clay thought that he had time to consider his options carefully, make an informed decision and devise a plan of attack. He had not anticipated Emma's friend calling him panicked, in the middle of the night to retrieve Emma from the naval base. Apparently some sailor they met at a friend's party had snuck Emma back to his room on base. Katie was worried, Emma had been drinking and had taken 'candy' from strangers. She hadn't been in contact with them for several hours and wasn't waiting for them when she and Hannah arrived to pick her up from their collection point.

Instead of being able to weigh his options, the decision was made for Clay. He and Emma would be having words, all he had to do was find her first. Clay fumbled round in the dark trying to dress himself and locate his credentials simultaneously. It took longer than it should have, or rather than it would have before his injuries, however Clay managed to get himself dressed and ready to leave in under ten minutes. Grabbing his keys of the counter and coat off the back of the couch, Clay flung his front door open ready to leave the apartment in search of Emma. 

As Clay stepped into the hallway he saw Emma curled up in the foetal position, head leant against his doorframe. Leaning down to check that Emma was still breathing, Clay reached out to brush the hair out of her face. As he exposed her face ClY was struck with the realisation that Emma was beautiful, large expressive eyes framed by long dark lashes with a natural curl. Full lips with a prominent Cupid's bow, giving her the appearance innocence, whilst enticing admirers with perfectly kissable appearance. Emma sighed in pleasure as Clay's fingertips connected with her pulse, she leant into his warmth insistent on creating a greater connection between their bodies. ‘Please’ Emma half whispered in her most sultry tone paired with the fluttering of her eyelashes. Clay’s pulse jumped and adrenaline coursed through him at the prospect of what could be. 

As the sober adult in this situation Clay knew that it was up to him to be responsible and make good decisions. He would never take advantage of anyone, especially not Emma. Clay just needed to form a plan. 

Decision made, Clay slid one hand under Emma's legs and the other behind her back before carefully lifting her into his hold and carrying her to his bedroom. Although there was very little of Emma, drunk and semiconscious, it was like limiting dead weight and Clay's body trembled with the effort. Clay had been pushing himself in physical therapy but not to this extent, he was grateful that his apartment was small. Unsure he could have kept her in his grasp for longer.

Clay eased Emma down onto the spare side of his bed. He got to work removing her outer clothing and shoes, ensuring he left her underwear on to stave of temptation. Clay covered Emma in an extra blanket, leaned in and kissed her forehead wishing her a good night. Once Emma was settled Clay quickly text Katie, letting her know Emma was with him. Before stripping down to his underwear and climbing back into bed. Emma mumbled his name and curled into his body placing her hand over his chest. Clay payed there for hours following the rise and fall of her hand in his chest.

Clay remembered thinking that there was nothing he could do to fix things for her right then, but tomorrow they would talk and work out what to do. One thing was clear Emma's self destructive behaviour had to stop. He just wasn't clear on how they would achieve that.


	6. Chapter 6

Emma blinked, her eyes sore and unable to adjust to the darkness of the room. The unrelenting hardness of the floor and cold from the tile drew her attention. As she became more aware of her surroundings, Emma realised that her body ached. She saw her phone discarded on the floor next to her and groaned. Wishing she could just forget last might ever happened.

Although hazy on the details she remembered calling Clay, needing to feel grounded. It was overwhelming, remembering the way that he got her to focus on his breathing, reassured her and just sat with her until she drifted off to sleep. As much as he would deny it, Clay knew how to handle her better than anyone. He pushed her to talk without realising he was doing so. Had an innate sense about when to back off and never seemed to judge her. As dysfunctional as their dynamic was it worked, keeping her tethered to reality, no matter how much that hurt. 

Emma is aware that she has put Clay in an untenable position, professionally and personally, she just can't bring herself to end their connection. The finer details of the night they came to their agreement have never been clear to Emma. She just knew that Clay made her feel things other than the hurt, which was so pervasive it numbed her.

Even though she had no claim on Clay, or right to expect anything from him, Emma knew that he would always be there for her. Just because she was family and it was the right thing to do. Thinking back Emma is ashamed of her behaviour that night, but she can't regret it as it bought them to here. 

Emma was furious with Clay. He nearly died. He almost left them. That was not meant to happen. They were on a Gucci deployment, they were not supposed to be in danger. There was to be no getting shot at. Her Dad had promised her, backed up by Uncle Ray, that this was safe. Clay had confirmed this would be an uneventful trip. Even though he was disappointed with the prospect of a boring deployment, she was relieved. The family needed time to adjust, so much had happened in the last few months.

Clay had been off since Mexico, Emma could tell when he took his turn checking in with them. Her Dad had set up a schedule for the team. Aware that their relationship was strained, this was a peace offering. A way of keeping in touch without everything becoming a fight. Emma could not articulate the changes she noticed but they were definitely there. Clay exuded an air of defiant recklessness. Emma assumed that it had something to do with Stella, who had completely vanished from the family schedule and had not been spoken about since. 

Once they were back stateside Clay continued to flounder, his recklessness seemingly increasing. There was no decision so poor he wouldn't stand by, infuriating her Dad. Emma was enraptured by this side of Clay, it spoke to her. Clay appeared to be managing his own world crumbling, in similar ways to Emma. The only difference being no one was trying to shame him into changing his coping mechanisms. 

Clay always took the time to check in with Emma, he understood what it felt like to simultaneously love and loath a parent. Offered her a space to vent those feelings and frustrations that felt to private to share with others. 

At some point Emma turned up at Clay's place uninvited, she was drunk of her ass, pounding on his front door. When he opened the door she staggered into the living room, using his body to keep her upright. Emma mumbled something about not being able to go home, as her Dad was there, and that they were back sooner than expected. Clay allowed Emma to sleep off her hang over in his bedroom, he took the couch. 

Clay was woken at an ungodly hour as Emma stumbled round his kitchen trying to make breakfast. Clay walked over to her clasping his hands round her waist, to stop her moving around, he asked 'Are we going to talk about last night?' 

Rather than respond to his question Emma turned in his arms. Leaning into his body Emma initiated a searing kiss. The momentum of the movement catching him unaware, Clay's back slammed into the wall. Emma used Clay's shock at her actions to deepen the kiss adding a touch of tongue, biting his lip roughly. Emma took the opportunity to rub against Clay, feeling his length harden against her. 

Moaning in both pleasure and regret, Clay gently pushed Emma away from him. 'I've had a crush on you since we met.' Emma offered as a whispered explanation. She wouldn't meet his eyes when she spoke or when waiting for his response. Clay took several deep breaths in an attempt to compose himself. Using the time to decided what he supposed to say in this situation. Still not coming up with anything useful he settled on, 'this can't happen again.' That was the end of the conversation. He and Emma had a light breakfast and then he ordered her a taxi to ensure she got home safely. 

Life went back to normal for the pair of them after that. Clay continued to check in on Emma, aware that she was partying harder than she had been, especially when the team was spun up. She continued to reach out to him when drunk and in need of help. The kitchen incident was never mentioned again. After several months of check ins, they settled into an unspoken agreement. She didn't party so much when the team was spun up, so Clay wouldn't be worrying about her when he should be concentrating on not getting killed. He made sure that he checked in with her at least every other day, or as often as the mission allowed.

During the Gucci deployment they had a well established routine. Clay would check in with her daily, be it a call, a text or video chat. Emma thought it unusual when he missed a day without explanation, but tried to remain calm. She became increasingly concerned when he missed the second day, by the third missed check in she was starting to really freak out. 

When her Dad called her and explained what had happened she was overcome with fear. This was quickly overtaken by anger. How dare Clay allow her to rely on him. Who did he think he was letting her think he would be there no matter what? How could he leave them like this? Emma held on to the outrage she felt for his entire hospitalisation. The anger fuelling her partying, why should she care about herself of no one else did? Everyone left in the end. 

When she heard he had been released from the hospital, Emma's partying escalated. He was supposed to notice her and rein her in. Clay could always be relied on to keep her afloat. Her Dad might not notice her struggles but Clay did. 

Emma can see now how unfair she was being. However she was a teenager who was trying to deal with the deaths of her parent and a close family friend. Whilst also dealing with feeling abandoned and criticised at every turn by her remaining parent. Clay had been fighting for his life in hospital and then focusing on his recovery and being able to get back to the only constant in his adult life, the teams. No one ever accused teenagers of being self aware and considerate of others. 

The Friday after Clay's release from in patient rehab was pivotal to their current situation. Emma remembers the feeling of panic rising within her as she struggled to get her bearings. The darkness enveloping the unfamiliar room was disconcerting, as were the sounds and smells surrounding her. She recalled being at a party and some sailor offering her a good time. Being snuck into his quarters on base and then nothing. She never hung around long enough to fall asleep and absolutely never stayed the night. Emma can't remember how she managed it, but she knew she had to get herself to Clay. He always knew what to do. 

The next memory she has is frustratingly incomplete, she recalls feelings rather than actual memories. A calm and warmth surrounding her, gentle words whispered into the darkness reassuring her that she was going to be fine. 

Later in the night Emma woke once again, the room shrouded in darkness. This time she felt safe, despite the familiarity of her surroundings not being obvious to her immediately. Her body entwined with another, sharing heat and comfort. Emma nuzzled further into the warmth, eliciting a gentle moan from her bed partner. 

Clay was gently roused from his light sleep by soft wet lips pressing kisses on his, before travelling down the side of his neck and chest. The sensation of it confused him for several minutes. He allowed himself to just feel the pleasure. It had been a long time since he had received touches intended to be intimate. After the bombing he lost all dignity and was poked, prodded and touched by countless medical professionals. It felt good to be desired again. Only as the exploration of his body continued below the sheets, did he realise that he needed to take control of the situation. 

Forcing himself to focus, Clay opened his eyes reached down and took hold of Emma, stopping her exploration, before the situation escalated any further. Waking up to a bed full of hot horny teenager was causing all kinds of internal struggles for him. Clay just needed to remind himself that she was most likely still drunk or at the very least fending off the beginning of an awful hang over. 

'Emma stop. We can't do this again. It's a terrible idea.' Clay pulled Emma further up the bed and grasped her hands above her head, trying to defuse the sexual tension. In hindsight this was not a great plan.

'Don't be so boring. I know you want me, I can feel it. Let me make us feel good.' Emma released her wrist from his grip, slowing trailing her fingertips down his arm. She paid special attention to the team insignia on his inner bicep. At the same time she pushed her thigh against his crotch more instantly. Clay's eyes flared with lust, pupils dilated. It took all his years of practice to restrain himself and move away from the delicious touch of her hands and body. 

'I won't do this with you Emma. I know about tonight, Katie called.' Emma stilled instantly. 

'What about it.' She challenged him defiantly. 

'Now's not a good time. We'll talk about it tomorrow.' Clay climbed out of bed grabbing his pillow and a blanket before moving towards the door. 'I think it's best if I take the couch. Good night.' 

Clay had always kept a respectable distance from Emma, the age difference and his position in the team kept his mind focused on her remaining firmly in the friend zone. The death of Alana had change Emma, forced her to mature more quickly, made her even more beautiful. The arrogance of youth, mixed with a vulnerability she tried desperately to conceal resonated with Clay. 

He could see that Emma was approaching free fall and was calling out for someone to notice and help her feel contained. Clay had experienced the same feeling as a teenager. Emma was clearly on a path of self destruction, he just had to decide if he could intervene and what that would look like. 

Emma awoke for the second time, to the sound of pots clanging in the kitchen. She groaned, rolled over and cocooned herself deeper in the familiar bed sheets. Emma didn't want to do this now, she wasn't ready. Maybe she could put of the inevitable by playing possum. No she was an adult and needed to face the consequences of her actions.

Emma hoped that she had gotten off lightly on the hang over, until she dared to open her eyes and sit up. The light in the room was too bright, causing the rhythmic throbbing behind her eyes to erupt into a stabbing pain. Emma looked across at the night stand, through squinted eyes and saw the glass of water and pain meds waiting for her. She took the pills before laying back down for a few more minutes. 

Clay finished preparing breakfast for them both before venturing to the bedroom to get Emma up. Neither of them wanted to have the up coming conversation but it was necessary. Clay knocked on the doorframe, the door already open as he hadn’t wanted to close it with Emma in the room drunk. 

Emma called out from under the sheets, 'how mad are you?' 

'It's almost impossible to be mad when you're in my bed, safe. We do need to talk though. We aren't ignoring this anymore. Breakfast is ready, I'll give you 5 minutes to get ready.' Clay closed the bedroom door to afford Emma some privacy. 

Emma sat at the breakfast bar, exactly 5 minutes later. She had grabbed a clean shirt out of his draw, quickly brushed her teeth and brushed her hair. If they were going to talk she was going to feel prepared.

'You're wearing my favourite shirt.' Clay commented as he noticed Emma sat at the counter waiting for 'the talk' to begin. 

'Sorry, do you want it back.' She replied with a playfulness in her voice that had been missing in recent weeks. The glint in Emma's eyes as she reached down to remove the shirt has Clay dismissing her offer. The last thing he needed was for this conversation to get sidetracked. 

The pair sat together, pushing food round their plates in awkward silence. Once it became apparent that Emma was not going to start the conversation Clay realised he was going to have to.

'I thought you had things under control, what happened.'

'Oh I don't know, it's not like you almost died or anything,' she spat back at him glaring with hate shinning in her eyes. Clay was surprised by her honesty and sat staring back at her. Emma broke their gaze putting her head down and almost imperceptibly whispering 'you promised it would be safe. The whole team did.' 

Clay tried to reason with her. 'That was beyond our control, you know the dangers of the job.' 

'It doesn't matter everyone leaves anyway. And I can't even hate them for it. I just thought you were different. You know what it feels like to love and hate the same person simultaneously. How you'd do anything to get their attention. How could you let me rely on you and then nearly die on me?' 

Emma felt her courage building during her speech and continued. 'You were my person. After Mum died and Dad bailed on us emotionally, you were there. Making sure I was okay, that I had someone in my corner. You let me need you, let me trust you and...' Emma's voice broke as a tears welled in her eyes ready to fall. 'I hate you, I hate you, I hate you' she lashed out him, hitting his chest relentlessly. 'I hate you. You almost left me here alone.' 

Clay embraced Emma pulling her closer to him, whispering reassurances into her hair. 'I know I scared you, I'm sorry. I know you hate me, that's okay to. None of this is your fault. I know about everything Emma and I need you to promise me that you are going to take care of yourself. What happened tonight with the guy at the party can't keep happening Emma. If you want to punish someone, punish me. Hurt me. This is my fault, not yours.' Rather than calming Emma, his words seemed to enflame the situation. 

Emma broke free of Clay's hold to kiss him passionately, there was nothing tender about it. Emma was aiming for possession of Clay's body. Nibbling his lips, biting his chin, leaving teeth marks at the juncture of his neck and shoulders. She needed to reassure herself that he was real. She needed him desperately but couldn't tolerate him being gentle with her. She didn't deserve kindness. Not when she was using him to make herself feel alive. The excitement of the forbidden adding to her pleasure. If her Dad were to ever find out it would crush him in a way unlike discovering any of the others would. 

Clay allowed Emma to control the kisses and bites. It felt angry and desperate. Clay realised that this was a form of pain management for Emma. She needed the physical closeness of intimacy with bitter discomfort blended in. Exactly who she was punishing was unclear. Emma was clearly pissed at Clay but she also seemed angry with herself. 

Clay knew that Emma had been spiralling, drinking to excess, experimenting with drugs and bed hopping. He thought his constant presence and intensive oversight was enough to keep her grounded. Clearly that was not the case. Maybe he needed to give this to Emma. Surely it was better for her to channel her feelings into the time spent with him, rather than putting herself at risk all the time picking up unknown men who could take advantage of her. 

Clay was aware that this was a bad idea, a huge lapse in judgement, however he couldn't restrain himself any longer. Clay began biting down the side of Emma's neck, causing her to hiss in surprised pain. He pulled back to look directly into her eyes. 'If we do this, there will be ground rules.' 

Emma grabbed hold of Clay's head and pulled him back into an unrelenting kiss, their tongues battling for dominance. When they were forced to break apart to catch their breath, Clay used the opportunity to lay out the ground rules. 'You come to me instead of searching out random guys, we never do this drunk, we keep this discreet. You talk to me before ending the agreement. 

Emma grabbed the hem of Clay's favourite shirt and went to remove it from her body. 'Emma, do we have a deal?' She nodded in response to his question. 'I need to hear the words, this is too important to not be clear. 'Fine. I agree. No other guys, no drinking, keep it low key, keep talking.’

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Paralyzed by NF


End file.
